Thursday, May 21, 2009

Chapter 61

Jon led Melissa back through the house back down to the river in silence. She held his hand and gave it a squeeze as they returned to the spot they had vacated just a short time later.

“Jon, are you ok? You’ve got this look in your eye,” Melissa asked as they sat down on the edge.

“There’s something I’ve got to talk to you about, and I just want you to hear me out,” he said turning to look at her square in the eyes.

“Jon, you’re scaring me,” she said as he took her hands in his.

“Promise me you’ll hear me out,” he asked.

“I promise, what is it,” she asked nervously.

“I think that maybe it would be a good idea if you talked to someone,” he stuttered.

“Someone? What are you talking about,” she asked confused.

“I mean a professional Melissa. Like a therapist or something,” he said waiting for her answer.

“Why would you say that Jon,” she asked in disbelief, tears rushing to her eyes.

“Look hear me out. I don’t think you need me to tell you what you’ve lived through, and I think it may be beneficial to you if you talked to someone about it,” he said.

“Is this because of this afternoon? With my mom? It was just a hard day that’s all, Jon, there’s nothing to worry about there,” she said as Jon could see her start to close off.

“I’m not doing this because I’m mad at you or anything, don’t look at me like that. This isn’t just because of this afternoon. I’ve thought about it for some time now. Well since this weekend,” he said.

“You do think there’s something wrong with me don’t you? You think I need help,” she said tears starting to fall.

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. I just want to make sure that you’re ok,” he said as she stood up.

“I was ok long before I met you, I don’t need you trying to fix me. Why are you pushing this,” she asked.

He stood facing her, “Because I’m worried about you. I’m not trying to fix you.”

“Worried about me? Because I’m some weak little thing that needs a big strong man to protect her,” she shouted unable to believe the conversation they were having.

“I’m worried about you because I don’t think you know how bad things are,” he said.

“It’s my life, how could I not know what’s happening in it,” she snapped.

“Did you know that you have nightmares every night you just don’t remember them,” he asked gently.

“You’re lying. You just want me to go,” she said refusing to believe him.

“Why would I make that up? I do want you to go, but baby you need to see why you need it too,” he said reaching out for her.

“No! Don’t touch me. How could you do this to me? After everything I told you, you go and throw this at me,” she said giving him a hard shove to the chest hoping to send him in the river.

Jon caught himself taking a step back before he locked eyes with her. “I’m not trying to hurt you here.”

“You have a funny way of showing it. Is this a deal breaker, Jon? Because I don’t do well with ultimatums,” she said glaring back at him.

He took a deep breath before he continued. “Please just listen,” he pleaded.

“Fine,” she said not moving closer to him.

“This is not a deal breaker, but it would be hard for me to be with someone who was shown a problem with themselves but refused to try and fix it. I just want you to be happy and complete and not constantly haunted by your past,” he said.

“I’m not constantly-“

“Let me finish. I know I can’t go back and change what’s happened because if I could I would. But I hate seeing that you pay for what happened everyday whether you can see it yourself or not. Nightmares like the ones you have shouldn’t happen to you. Especially not everyday. I was so scared when I woke up and you were thrashing in your sleep, moaning out in pain. I didn’t know what to do to help you. I think if this could help then it’s worth a try. I understand what you went through and how that affects us, but the way that you close off so quick in bed, there should be a point between zero and sixty because I’m afraid that I’m just hurting you more. And the way you shut yourself off from other relationships, not just with men but with friends too, that’s not good. I couldn’t take it if something happened to you and I did nothing to prevent it. Even if you can’t see it, Angel, can’t you trust that maybe this is what you need,” he said as tears surfaced in his eyes.

Melissa looked at the man in front of her unable to believe the selfless declaration before her. “Blue, I don’t think I could take it if you started to cry right now.”

“You didn’t answer me, do you trust me enough to believe that you need this,” he asked again.

She looked at him unable to find the words to admit help. She walked towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck and he rested his forehead on hers. “I trust you,” she whispered as she felt his tears mix with hers.

He held her close not wanting to let her go. “You know I love you,” he said in her ear.

“I know.”

“I’m not doing this to hurt you or punish you, please believe that,” he said as she nodded. “I’m just making sure you know.”

“Will, will you help me?”

“Of course I will, whatever you need me to do. If you want me to go with you, or drive you, or sit there and hold you’re hand, that’s what I’m here for,” he said leaning down to kiss her.

“Thank you,” she said quietly as they held each other in the moonlight.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Chapter 60

A few hours later Melissa, Jon, Steph, Angela and Richie sat around the kitchen table eating Chinese takeout. The meal was awkward at best with an overwhelming amount of emotions overflowing from the four adults. A certain sense of gloom was present throughout the meal, which was inevitable with what they had endured.

Richie had some extra sadness in his eyes thinking of his father. The overpowering sense of loss hitting him squarely being the first time he came face to face with death since losing his own father. As soon as they came home he went to his room and called his mother and daughter just to tell him that he loved them, one more time.

Melissa controlled her emotions about her past and was looking wholeheartedly to her future. Their future, together. The release that she had on the beach with him put her at ease. Learning to trust him, letting him into her past a little more, seeing how much she meant to him. It was something she needed to do, something they needed to do together. Not being able to completely dismiss the sadness that was so vast just a few hours ago, she tried to focus her mindset on the new hope and happiness she found with Jon.

Jon perhaps was having the hardest time of all. While he felt the same emotions as Richie and Melissa his mind was racing one step further. The sorrow of loss, especially Richie’s dad, and the joy and hope that was brought from talking with Melissa was countered with the thoughts of his own kids. He missed them terribly when he was on the road and always had. But being home and not being able to be with them had been killing him for months. He couldn’t take being away from his boys any longer when the only thing that was stopping him was his ex wife. Life was too short to let petty arguments keep him from his kids. He was tired of missing out on the little things because of old feelings and hostilities. As it was he barely took his eyes off of Steph all night not wanting to miss a single moment.

As they sat in a bit of awkward silence surrounded by a dozen of empty food cartons Angela who seemed to be doing the best with her emotions was the first to speak.

“I don’t want to overstay my welcome. And I’m sure there’s some family stuff that you probably wanna do, so I’ll just help clean this up and then I’m gonna head home,” she said piling her silverware on her plate.

“Don’t worry about that, you’re still a guest. And you don’t have to rush out of here on my account, you’re welcome to stay as long as you want,” Jon said.

“I’ve imposed on you long enough. Besides I think my husband is starting to miss me, and he may even be getting a bit jealous. I have to get up early tomorrow anyway, I should start on my trip home,” she said standing with her plate.

“As long as you don’t think I’m pushing you out,” Jon said.

“Not at all,” Angela said grabbing some empty containers.

“Hey, leave those, Darlin’. Why don’t you go pack up you’re stuff I’ll take care of this for you,” Richie said grabbing her hand.

“You sure,” Angela asked.

“Positive. Go on, you’ve got quite a drive ahead of you,” Richie offered.

“Thanks,” Angela said making her way upstairs as Richie started clearing the table.

“Dad, I know you love me, but you’ve been kinda hovering since you picked me up. Do you mind if I go finish my homework in my bedroom,” Steph asked.

Jon cringed at his daughter’s words. Smothering his daughter was the last of his intentions. “Of course, honey. Just help clear the table first.”

“Fine,” she said with a huff.

“Go on get outta here,” Richie said.

“Thanks Uncle Mookie! You’re the best,” Steph said giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“You look like you could use some air, go on I’ll clean up the rest of this,” Richie said turning to Jon.

“Thanks, I owe ya’. Come with me,” Jon asked Melissa.

“Course,” she said taking his hand in hers heading for the door.

Once they were outside Jon led them towards the river and down onto his old dock. Jon sat on the edge letting his feet hang over the side and Melissa joined him. Jon slid his hand around her as he watched the surprisingly calm water.

“Blue, I don’t want to leave tonight,” Melissa said leaning her head on his shoulder.

“Then don’t. Stay here,” he said.

“I can’t, I have to get back to work tomorrow. I just don’t want to leave you, and this place, everything that’s happened these last couple of days. I’m not ready to go just yet,” she said.

“Then stay the night with me,” he said.

“I can’t I’ve gotta go back with Angela,” she said a hint of sadness in her voice.

“Why?”

“Because we only have one car, for one,” she said.

“I’ll drive you to work in the morning. As soon as I drop off Steph I’ll drive you,” he offered.

“Jon, I want to but I’m sure you want to spend some time with Steph,” she said.

“Don’t fight me on this, we both want you here. Please give me one more night,” he asked.

“You sure you don’t mind driving me,” she said.

“Not if it gives me one more night with you,” he said smiling.

“Thank you,” she said.

“Anything for my, Angel,” he said giving her a kiss.

Melissa pulled away when she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. “Its Angela,” she said looking at him.

“Go on,” Jon said backing up a little as his hand brushed through her hair.

“Hey, what’s up,” Melissa asked.

“Hey, sweetie. I’m ready to go, Richie said you guys went outside but I didn’t see you on the porch. You ready,” Angela asked.

“We’re all the way down on the river. I’m staying here tonight so you’re going back on your own if you don’t mind,” Melissa said.

“We kinda figured you’d stay another night,” Angela said brightly. “You deserve a happy ending to today.”

“Thanks, you really don’t mind,” Melissa asked.

“At the end of the day he’s still Jon Bon Jovi and I’m not gonna keep you outta his bed,” Angela teased. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Wait, we’ll come up and say goodbye,” Melissa said.

“You don’t have to, Richie can see me out,” Angela offered.

“Don’t be silly we’re on our way,” Melissa said.

“Kay, bye,” Angela said hanging up.

“Come on, Angela’s on her way out so she can get home at a decent hour. Lets go say goodbye,” Melissa said getting to her feet.

“Lead the way,” he said following her back to the house.

They found Angela and Richie talking in the foyer when they arrived back in the house. “There’s the happy couple now,” Angela said as they walked into the foyer. “Thanks again for everything.”

“You are more then welcome. Anytime you can justify a trip down here you’re welcome,” Jon teased.

“Gee thanks big guy, but I should really get going,” Angela said.

“Have a safe drive home darlin’,” Richie said giving her a kiss on the cheek.

“You too,” she said giving him a big hug.

“Get home safe, and try not to sell anything of mine. I’d prefer not to see my clothes on ebay,” Jon teased.

“You won’t find your black ski cap or your tv guide on ebay,” she said with a smile.

“Angela! Tell me you’re kidding,” Melissa said.

“Ok, I’m kidding,” Angela said giving Jon a wink.

“You’re fantastic,” Jon said giving her a hug.

“Thank you for everything you did this weekend,” Angela whispered in his ear.

Jon gave her a kiss on the cheek, “No need to thank me.”

“I’m not even hugging you, because I’m seeing you in the morning,” Angela said looking at Melissa. “Just promise me you’ll have a good night and take it easy.”

“Deal,” Melissa said. “Call me when you get home.”

“I know the drill,” Angela said grabbing her bag. “Night all,” she said leaving through the front door.

“Can you give me a couple minutes, I wanna go talk to Steph before she goes to bed. She’s probably going soon, its almost nine,” Jon said.

“Go on, I’ll be down here when you’re ready. I think I can entertain myself for a while,” Melissa said giving him a kiss.

“Thanks, babe,” Jon said heading up the stairs.

“Can I offer you a drink, or were you on your way up too,” Melissa asked Richie.

“I can have a glass of wine before I go up,” Richie said putting his arm over her shoulder leading her back to the kitchen.

Richie poured them each a glass of wine and they settled onto the barstools at the counter. They sat and Richie talked about Ava for a few minutes until their glasses were empty.

“Ok, I should get to bed. I wont see you in the morning before I leave, so I’ll say goodbye now,” Richie said standing.

“Goodbye? Are you going back to Philly,” Melissa asked.

“In everything that went on, I must’ve forgotten to tell you. I’m leaving in the morning, I’m goin’ back to California. I’ve got Ava for a couple weeks at least until Thanksgiving. We haven’t talked about the details yet. But this is it for me, for a while at least,” Richie said.

Melissa felt like she had the wind knocked out of her. “You’re really going?”

“Hey don’t look so sad, you know I’m always only a phone call away,” Richie said.

“I know, I guess I just got so used to you being here the last month or so. You’ve been such a good friend to me, I’m gonna miss you,” Melissa said.

“I’m gonna miss you too,” Richie said pulling her into a hug. “I mean it, anytime you need me, I’m just a phone call away.”

“Thanks,” she said smiling.

“You got it,” Richie said as they headed for the stairs.

“What time is you’re flight in the morning, Jon’s giving me a ride early,” she asked.

“My flight’s at 6:20 or something like that. So I’ll be outta here by like 4:30, I don’t know what I was thinking when I booked that one,” he said laughing.

“Probably that you wanted to make sure you’d be home early enough to see Ava,” she offered.

“Pretty and smart too,” he teased.

“Damn right, Sambora,” she said with a smile.

“I’m gonna miss you a lot,” he said.

“Me too, have a safe trip. Lemme know when you get home safe and sound,” she asked.

“Of course,” he said giving her one last hug before going upstairs.

Melissa stood in the foyer when she heard footsteps coming down the hall. She smiled when she saw Jon at the top of the stairs. “You look happy to see me,” he said as he came down the stairs.

“That’s because I am,” she said. “Everything ok with Steph.”

“Yeah, its fine. Can I talk to you,” he asked.

“Something on your mind,” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“Ok, I’ve got time,” she said.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Chapter 59

“Thank you,” she said as he stroked her hair.

“Talk to me, tell me what you’re feeling,” he encouraged.

“Its hard to explain. It’s a combination of a lot of things,” she said.

“I’ve got time. Do you wanna walk,” he asked.

“Yeah that’d be nice,” she said picking up Richie’s jacket as they headed down the beach, his arm tightly fixed on her waist. “Its hard to put into words what’s going on in my head. Of course I’m hurting for Lindsay, and when I see her family I remember exactly how I felt when I was going through the same thing. Every time I go to funerals I think of mom. Usually I just remember her, but today being down here, it was like overload for me. Stuff we did together thrown in my face on a day that memories of burying her are fresh in my mind. I’m sad all over again, and I’m hurt and mad. It’s a whirlwind of emotions.”

“I am so sorry you were going through that on your own today. Tell me about her, about those summers down here,” he said.

“Really, you want to hear all that,” she asked.

“Absolutely, unless you don’t want to talk about it,” he said not wanting to push too hard.

“I didn’t think you’d want to know,” she said.

“I want to know everything about you,” he said kissing her hair.

“Ok, well we came down here a couple years when I was a teenager. Michelle, me and mom. We would rent a house for like two weeks or something like that. Never on the beach, we didn’t have that kind of money. Mom was my best friend, she was always the first person I called when something good happened and we hung out more like friends or sisters then mother and daughter. Shell always did her own thing, so it was the two of us most of the time. We would lie out on the beach, and go down in the water. I remember one summer she taught me how to body surf. We would walk the boardwalk every night. Played all the games, ate all the typical food, rode the rides till we wanted to throw up. We would stay up late talking and playing board games and then get up the next morning and do it all again. Those were some of the best summers of my life,” she said.

“This is really killing you, being here, isn’t it,” he asked.

“It is, but you get used to it. Little things remind me of her, I just didn’t prepare myself for being here. If I did, I’d be better. I’ve been thinking about her a lot since yesterday, but not like this,” she said wiping a tear.

“I’m sorry you’re hurting,” he said.

“Thanks, but it’s nice to talk about it, helps all the memories come back, keeps ‘em fresh,” she said smiling a little.

“Anything else you want to talk about,” Jon asked taking advantage of her openness.

“I’m sorry about yesterday afternoon. I overreacted when Angela asked you if she could stay. I just don’t want her to do anything to push you away from me. I don’t want to do anything to push you away either. Now that I have you I’m just afraid of losing you,” she said softly.

“Like you did your mom,” he asked.

“Yeah, it was just bad timing with everything I think,” she said watching the waves crash against the sand.

“Hey, don’t worry about that. I’m not going anywhere for a long while. You have to stop thinking that you’re gonna drive me away. I love you Melissa,” he said sincerely.

“I love you too. You’ve had a hard day; I could see it in your eyes. Tell me what you’re thinking,” she asked.

“I was thinking about my kids. I know they all have their moments. Steph can be sassy as hell and give this attitude that makes my blood boil. And Jesse’s a handful, but you can blame it on his age I guess. Jake’s just as stubborn as me, he gets something in his head and there’s not changing his mind. And Meo, he can throw a nasty tantrum with the best of them. But at the end of the day, they’re my world and my life. I would die for any of them in a heartbeat. When Dorothea took them I thought my life as over, but looking at the Connors’ faces today. I can’t even imagine what they’re going through. Losing a child, is something that no parent should ever go through,” Jon said.

“Oh, Jon, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think of it like that for you,” she said stopping to look in his eyes.

“Hey, there’s a silver lining in it all. I’m gonna appreciate everything my kids give me now. Every last gray hair is something to cherish, and I’m definitely gonna start picking my battles. In the big picture all the little things don’t matter,” Jon said as she hugged him giving him the loving contact that he needed. “We should probably start walking back before they send a search party out for us. We’ve probably walked the better part of a mile anyway.”

“I didn’t realize we walked that far,” she said looking back in the direction they came from.

“Come on let’s go, Angel,” Jon said sliding his hand around hers leading them back to the house.

“What did you call me, Jon?”

“Huh?”

“You called me Angel,” she said confused.

Jon bit his bottom lip and his cheeks flushed as he started to walk. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, why did you call me that,” she asked smiling.

“Well, because you are my angel,” he said.

“Me? How,” she asked.

“Since the first time we went out, I knew you were going to have an impact on my life. That night when we were walking on the beach looking out into this same ocean, I knew you were gonna change my life, I didn’t know how. But then I started to see how you were doing it. I really believe that you are my angel, sent from God himself, to give me a second chance at love. Without you I don’t know if I would ever have let myself open up again,” he said the emotion in his voice evident.

“Jon, I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me,” Melissa asked.

“I dunno, I didn’t want you to think I was nuts and maybe I was a little embarrassed too,” he admitted.

“I love it, I think its sweet,” she said giving his hand a squeeze.

“Really? I guess that’s just how I’ve thought of you for so long that it slipped,” Jon said.

“I love it, I really do. Will you call me Angel,” she asked.

“You want me to?”

“Yes, I love what it means for both of us,” she answered.

“Then of course I will,” he said giving her a quick kiss. “But tell me something, now that you’ve found me out, do you have a name for me?”

Melissa’s cheeks turned red, “Kinda,” she answered.

“Come on now, you’ve gotta tell me. It’s only fair,” he teased.

“Blue eyes.”

“You’re not datin’ Sinatra here,” Jon said smiling.

“I know that. You wanna hear the story of should I just call you Frank,” she asked with a fake scowl.

“Nope tell away,” he said.

“The first thing I noticed about you when you stepped off the elevator were your eyes. They were this piercing blue. Even before I realized who you were, I saw those eyes. And I always believed that the eyes were the way to a person’s soul. That night in Philly that we stayed up late talking, the night before the show. I think that’s the night that I fell in love with you or I realized that I loved you. The way you poured year heart out was beautiful and your eyes were right there in the middle of it all. Your mouth may be able to lie but not your eyes; they’re a lie detector. So I think its safe to say that I love your eyes because they speak to me in a way,” she said.

“So Blue Eyes it is,” he said.

“Blue for short of course,” she said.

“Oh of course,” he said smiling.

“You know what? I think we make a good pair, Blue,” she said.

“I think so too, Angel,” he said as they arrived back at the house.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Chapter 58

Jon sat on the hard pew trying to focus on what the priest was saying. “We all come into this world knowing that our time spent here on earth is temporary. We are not here for ourselves but to accomplish the will of the Father before he calls us back to Him. When God calls our loved ones we should not mourn the loss, but celebrate what they have accomplished for our Lord.”

Not mourn the loss? Who is he kidding? She was a child, with so much potential and so much more to give. Eleven years old; she never went to prom, never fell in love, never learned to drive a car. So much of her life she had left to live. Who am I to complain about anything? I’ve lived a good, happy life. I found love twice, I have everything I could possible want. A wonderful family. Five brothers that I know have my back through hell and high water. Four amazing kids.

God my kids, I don’t know if I could take if anything happened to them. Steph and Jesse are older then Lindsay was, how can that be? Steph, she’s my little princess, she’s got a heart of gold and she even worries about her old man on top of all that. Jesse, I know he’s a handful but he’s a really good kid. And I don’t even know if I can blame him with everything that’s gone on these past couple of years. Jake, he’s my little buddy, my mini me. It’s a little scary sometimes how much he reminds me of how I was at that age. And Meo, that kid always knows how to put a smile on my face. It was hard enough losing them to Dorothea, but losing them forever. I couldn’t even imagine.

Jon was snapped back to the church when Melissa squeezed his leg. Jon turned his attention back to the priest. “At this time the family has asked a special guest to sing a selection. Mr. Bon Jovi and Mr. Sambora,” he said moving to the side.

Jon and Richie walked to the front of the church and grabbed their guitars from the side of the stage. “Hello everyone,” Jon said putting his guitar on and adjusting the microphone. “I just wanted to thank the Connors for asking us to play, it’s a real honor for both of us. I didn’t know Lindsay very long, not nearly long enough, but while I did know her she taught me many valuable lessons that I know I’m sure I’ll be using for many years. I was honored to have her as a fan and she will surely be missed. Linds, this one’s for you,” Jon said before giving Richie a nod counting him in. They began playing in perfect synch before Jon began to sing.

I get up every morning,

Drink coffee alone.
My house it too quiet;

I'm the only one home.
I let the newspapers,

Pile up at the door.
I can't be bothered;

I don't read 'em no more.
The flowers are blooming,

That you planted last spring.
I can't make much sense out of anything.


If I could kidnap an angel
I'd clip off his wings
And bring them to you
That would fix everything


I get in the car,

Like I do every day.
Wondering how in the world,

Did it turn out this way?
It's just 'round the corner,

Turn left and I'm there.
I'd do anything to be anywhere,

But here.

As Jon started the chorus, Melissa could see the tears that he had been holding in start to fall down his face. An eerie hush fell over the crowd as the duo gained momentum. As a true professional Jon’s voice never wavered though the outpouring of emotion was evident.

Now the parking attendant knows my first name.
These long green hallways all look the same.
There's four elevators, one goes to that floor.
I brace myself when I get to the door.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
Then sit down beside your hospital bed.

Melissa felt a single tear escape down her cheek as he sang. No, don’t do this. Not here, not yet, she told herself. It was too soon in the day to let her emotions get the better of her. Next to her Angela took her hand and gave it a squeeze. She quickly wiped her face and used a nearby tissue to dry her eye.

If I could kidnap an angel,
I'd clip off his wings.
I'd bring them to you,
That would fix everything.
If I could kidnap an angel,
He could teach us to fly.
We'd live forever, forever,
We'd never die.
If I could kidnap an angel,
If I could kidnap an angel.


He'd say the word,
He'd tear down these walls.
People laughing like children through these hospital halls.
There'd be no more tears,
There'd be no more blood,
There'd be nothing but smiles,
Nothing but love.

Melissa looked around as they brought the song to a close and saw very few dry eyes. The mourners gave them a polite applause as they made their way back to their pew. When Jon and Richie returned they sat on either side of Melissa and she gave them her own quiet praise. As Lindsay’s mother got up to speak, Jon put his arm around the back of the pew and pulled Melissa to him. She leaned into him as her mind flooded with thoughts of the past. As Jon looked over at her he could see the absent look in her eyes and just held her closer.

As the mass came to a close more tears were shed as the family left the church. Their group of friends silently made their way to Jon’s truck and got in. Only necessary words were spoken on the way to the cemetery as Angela showed Jon where to go. In the back Richie held Melissa close trying to get her to show some sign of life, though she just sat staring off in the distance. The few times Jon checked his rearview mirror he saw them cuddled together, making his temper burn. Taking the high road, remembering why they were there, he kept his thought to himself, for now.

About an hour later they pulled in front of a spacious house on the beach that the family used for summer vacations. About 75 people had beat them there and they made their way inside to offer their condolences. The snacked on some of the food that was put on display before Melissa headed outside for some air.

Jon noticed her trying to make her way to the door and stopped her. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I just need some air, there’s too many people in here. Go on I’m just gonna stay on the deck here,” she said.

“You sure?”

“Positive,” she said with a reassuring kiss on the cheek.

“Ok, I just want to see if I can find her parents and then I’ll be out,” he answered.

“Take your time, I could use the sea air today,” she said walking to the door.

Melissa stood on the deck overlooking the ocean. She watched the repetition of the waves crashing along the shore as she felt all the emotion she had kept inside start to flow over. She was never good with goodbyes. And death always took its toll on her. She had been to so many funerals since she began working at the hospital, and some got to her more than others. This one was the worst by far. She knew the family so well, and Lindsay was in the hospital so long it seemed like she was losing a friend, not just a patient.

As she usually did at funerals, she thought of her mom. Her mom’s was the first funeral she had been to that she could remember and it always brought emotions back to her. She remembered coming to this very beach in middle school with her mom and sister. They had fun lying out on the sand and playing in the waves. She looked down to the now deserted boardwalk. They spent some crazy afternoons playing games and going on the rides.

“Melissa,” a voice next to her said.

She turned and looked at Richie with tears in her eyes. “Hey, I didn’t hear you. I was hoping you were Jon,” she said.

“You ok, darlin’,” he asked.

“I tried really hard to be. He really got me when he sang, but I held it in. I’m still half working here; I can’t be an emotional mess. Its just being down the shore, I have a lot of memories here,” she side wiping a stray tear from her eye.

“Good memories,” he asked.

“All good. Funerals make me think of my mom, and we came here on vacation a couple of summers. Its just I thought of my mom all afternoon and how I miss her, and then I come out here and all the good stuff floods back. You know,” she said.

“Oh, yeah, I get it,” he said pulling her into a hug. “Gotta remember all the good stuff.”

“Damn it, Melissa. Are you kidding me,” Jon growled from the far end of the deck.

She pulled back from Richie to look at him as a stray tear ran down her cheek. “Jon,” she said.

“Forget it,” he said and stormed towards the sand.

“Let me go talk to him,” Richie offered.

“No, he’s mad at me. Thank you for being here,” she said.

“Anytime,” he said giving her a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be right here watching you.”

“Nah, I’ll be fine. Go on back inside its getting chilly out here,” she said.

“You cold,” he asked.

“A little, I forget how much cooler it is on the beach,” she said.

“Here take my jacket,” he offered slipping it off.

“You sure,” she asked.

“Positive,” he said draping it over her shoulders. “Now go find him before he gets too far.”

Melissa nodded and left the same way Jon had. She slid off her shoes and let her toes explore the cool sand. She pulled Richie’s jacket around her as the wind picked up. When she was down on the beach she saw him about 100 feet down the sand looking out into the horizon. She walked over towards him and put her arm on his elbow. “Jon,” she said quietly.

“What are we doing Melissa,” he asked not breaking his gaze with the ocean.

“Jon, what are you talking about,” she asked.

“You left me, Melissa. For almost a month, you hurt me so bad. And, god, Melissa, you never seem to talk to me unless you talk to Richie first. I don’t know any other way to ask you to let me in. I don’t even know who you really love here, him or me,” he said harshly.

“How can you say that,” she asked feeling the tears spring back to her eyes.

He turned from the ocean and looked at her and gave a frustrated chuckle when he saw her in Richie’s coat. “There ya go, that says it all,” he said.

“What? The coat? I was talking to him outside and I was cold, he offered it,” she said defensively.

“How many times did I get you to try to talk to me about this? I knew this was hard for you and I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to be the one to comfort you. But I pay my respects to the family for no more then 20 minutes and you’re wrapped in his arms pouring your heart out to him,” he yelled.

“I wanted that to be you, when I saw him I wanted so bad to see your blue eyes. I had to hold myself together during the funeral, if I started to talk about it I know I would’ve lost it. Being here, the shore, it just put me over the edge,” she said backing away from him a little.

“We were here an hour before I left you. How hard would it have been for you to take me aside and talk to me? I could see that you were hurting, and it was driving me crazy that you just pushed me away,” he said his temper flaring. She took a few steps back from him. “No! Don’t you walk away from me,” he said firmly taking a step closer to her.

“Jon, you’re scaring me,” she said seeing the anger in his once soft eyes.

“Why, Melissa? Do you think that I’m gonna hurt you,” he asked.

“I, I,” she said unable to answer.

“Damn it, Mel,” he said grabbing her arms and holding her tight. “Don’t you see? I love you stupid, but you’re still not trusting me. What do I have to do Melissa? Tell me and I’ll try it. Unless you don’t want to be here at all.”

“I do, I want to be with you,” she said.

“Show me. You’re holding something back; I’m trying so hard here. I’m not gonna hurt you, not like that. Maybe this will show you. We’re gonna fight, its gonna happen. But I’m gonna use my words, not my hands,” he said loosening his grip on her.

Silent tears slid down her face and she locked her eyes with his. She pulled her arms back from him and slid the jacket off her shoulders throwing it on the sand. “I love you. You are the first person that I thought of every morning I was gone and those eyes were the last things that haunted me before I went to sleep. I never for a second stop loving you. I want you, I don’t want Richie, and I never will. Not that way. If me taking off his coat will show you that, then that’s what I’ll do. You’re right part of me was still subconsciously afraid. I’m sorry.”

Jon let out his breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Come here, baby,” he said pulling her close to him.

“No,” she said holding strong in the sand.

“No?”

“Let me tell you what I wanted to tell you on the patio. When I go to funerals for work, I have to remain in work mode. I have to be in control of my emotions and professional. That’s why I didn’t want to talk about it; I had to keep my emotions in check. But funerals always get to me, I always think of my mom. Funerals are hard, really hard. It’s the shore that got me. I came here in middle school with my mom, and with today. Memories are just flooding in. I wanted you to be there for me.”

“I’m right here,” he said holding her close to him, finally feeling some sort of a breakthrough.