Sunday, February 22, 2009

Chapter 48

Melissa woke slowly the next morning each of her sense coming to one at a time, reminding her of her surroundings. She first heard the soft snoring of a man, then the overwhelming smell, his smell, that she had yet to put her finger on, she felt his legs intertwined with hers, and finally when she opened her eyes she saw him sleeping peacefully next to her. She had to suppress her laughter as her eyes adjusted and she saw his hair sticking up and a little bit of drool forming in the corner of his mouth. So he snores and he drools in his sleep. Good to know he really isn’t perfect, she thought enjoying the sight of him in all his mortality. Seeing him laying next to her as just a man, without all the hype that comes with him.

She watched him for a couple of minutes before she leaned over and kissed him softly. Jon opened his eyes slowly and looked at her. “Morning sleepyhead,” she said smiling.

“I was beginning to think yesterday was all a dream,” Jon said.

“Nope, I’m right here,” she said.

“Good, I think that’s where I’m gonna keep you. What time is it,” he asked.

“I dunno, I just woke up and I didn’t see a clock,” she said.

Jon rolled over and saw it was a little after 10 o’clock. “It’s late, I can’t remember the last time I got almost 12 hours sleep,” he said.

“Is it 10 already,” she asked.

“A little after, why? Do you have somewhere to go,” he asked.

“Nope, I just didn’t think we’d sleep this late,” she said.

“Me either. Come on, lets get up, get some food,” he said sitting up. Melissa looked at him and smiled, biting her bottom lip to hold in her laugher. “What’s so funny?”

“You. The hair. It’s a great look for you,” she said trying to fix his hair a little.

“Well, usually the only person who sees me in the morning is my daughter, and she’s seen far worse,” he said trying to pat down his hair.

“So I’ve heard,” she teased. “Leave it, its not that bad. I’ve just never seen you like this.”

“Like what, a groggy mess,” he asked.

“No, just as a man. When I see you, you’re usually all made up. Not made up, but put together. Its nice to see you just like a normal person,” she said.

“What do you mean,” he asked.

“Its not a bad thing, don’t take it that way. Just usually when I see you its planned so you’re all dressed and your hair’s brushed, and you look perfectly sexy. It’s a nice reminder that you wake up looking like that just like the rest of us,” she said giving him a gentle kiss.

“Thanks I think,” he said after he pulled away.

“Your welcome,” she said.

“Give me two minutes, and then I’ll see what’s left for breakfast. Unless did you want to go down and get a head start,” he offered.

“If I can find it, that’s where I’ll be,” she said leaving the bedroom and walking in what she thought should be the general direction of the kitchen.

To her delight she found it and began looking in the cabinets for breakfast food. After what seemed like the 100th cabinet she pulled a box of Lucky Charms from a shelf. Lucky Charms? Seriously, she thought as she set out in search of a bowl.

When Jon came down the stairs he saw Melissa sitting at the counter eating out of a bowl with her back to him. “What did you find,” he asked.

She turned with a smirk, “Lucky Charms, Jon, really?”

“They’re magically delicious, and there’s marshmallows,” he said smiling.

“You are too much,” she said taking another bite.

“Don’t you want some real breakfast,” he asked.

“Nah, I usually just grab whatever I can eat while driving during the week. On the weekends I get a luxurious bowl of cereal,” she said.

“Did you start the coffee,” he asked.

“I didn’t know where everything was, so I give that honor to you. Can I pour you a bowl,” she asked holding the cereal box.

“Go ahead,” he said starting a pot of coffee and grabbing two mugs. After letting half a pot brew he poured two mugs full before letting the rest of the pot fill and sat next to Melissa.

“Your breakfast,” she said sliding the bowl over to him.

“Your coffee,” he said handing her a mug.

“You win,” she said taking a sip.

“I know,” he teased.

“Is it too early to talk serious,” she asked.

“Nope, but just lemme call Steph first and see when we can expect her to grace us with her presence,” he said with a mouth full of cereal.

“Didn’t anyone tell you not to talk with your mouth open,” she said.

He gave her a fake glare before he grabbed a nearby phone and dialed Steph’s number.

“Hey, Dad, what’s up,” she answered.

“I was just checking in to see what you decided to do today,” Jon said enjoying his breakfast.

“I think we’re heading to the movies,” she said.

“Who’s going,” he asked.

“I really don’t know yet. The game’s not over until two-ish,” she answered.

“And what are you doing until then?”

“Michelle’s mom is driving us to the mall, and then were going to the theater at the mall,” she answered.

“What movie are you seeing?”

Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist,” she answered.

“And what’s that rated?”

“PG-13, but that’s ok because I’m 15 remember,” she answered.

“That’s fine, Steph. Just remember I trust you, so don’t do anything stupid,” he said.

“You mean nothing that you wouldn’t do, right,” she teased.

“No I said don’t do anything stupid, there’s a big difference,” he said laughing.

“Sure there is,” she replied happily.

“I’m not gonna tell you to check in, but if you want to, I won’t complain,” he said.

“Ok, Dad.”

“Call me when you need a ride home.”

“I will.”

“And Steph, I love you,” Jon said genuinely.

“I know, I love you too, Dad,” she said before hanging up.

“Ok, now I’m all yours,” Jon said looking at Melissa.

“Perfect,” she said taking the last bite from her bowl.

“Hey, if you’re done we can move into the family room, its more comfortable then these stools,” Jon offered drinking that last of his milk from the bowl.

“That sounds good,” she said taking their bowls to the sink.

“You don’t have to do that you know,” he said refilling their mugs.

“Old habits die hard, I guess. Lead the way,” she said taking her mug from him.

Jon led her down the hallway to the family room and sat down on one of the couches. She sat down next to him and leaned back against his chest. “This feels nice,” she said quietly.

“It does. I really missed being with you,” he said.

“I missed you too,” she said. “I guess its time I start explaining huh?”

“I’m not gonna make you, I hope you know that I wouldn’t do that, but it would be nice,” he said gently.

“No, of course I will. I’m just not sure where to start. First I should apologize for not only how I barged into the studio, but also how I told you about Lindsay. I shouldn’t have blurted it out like that. My brain was just in overdrive and I guess the filter between my brain and my mouth was malfunctioning.”

“Babe, I understand, and honestly I couldn’t even let my brain think too much about it because I just wanted to make sure that you were ok,” he said putting his empty mug on the end table and wrapped his arms around her stomach.

“It’s something that, to us, comes with the job. I’m sure that sounds horrible, but I should know better,” she said.

“I mean it was a shock, I just saw her the afternoon before. I’ll tell you it makes me savor each moment I’ve got with my kids now. Hug them a little tighter, tell them I love them one more time,” he said.

“I know that feeling,” she said sipping her coffee.

“Did you happen to talk to her family before you came here yesterday,” he asked.

“No, Angela told me and the next thing I knew I was in your driveway. I’m gonna call them this afternoon, see if there’s anything I can do and see when the funeral is,” she said quietly.

“I was gonna do the same thing,” he said kissing her cheek.

“It’ll mean a lot to them that you’re there. Her parents used to talk about you all the time when you weren’t there,” she said.

“Really,” he asked in disbelief.

“Oh yeah, you don’t realize the affect that you have on people do you,” she asked.

“That depends, Jon or Jon Bon Jovi?”

“Well both I guess. But I meant that you do good work at the hospital, you really impact their lives,” she said.

“I didn’t know that, I just thought I was doing some good but nothing impactful,” he said.

“You’ve got a lot to learn then,” she said smiling.

“I guess that’s why you’ve gotta stick around, to teach me these things,” he said.

She laughed as she leaned forward to put her now empty mug on the table. Seeing her shirt rise just a bit in the back he caught a glimpse of what he assumed was her last tattoo. “Is this your last tattoo,” he asked touching the spot on her back where he saw a flash of red.

“Yeah its back there, you wanna see,” she asked.

“May I,” he asked holding the bottom of the shirt.

“I, I trust you,” she said leaning forward a little so he could see.

He lifted up the bottom of the shirt just enough to see a small bunch of red roses with a single petal fallen below the others. In the fallen petal the name “Emily Hope” was written with a date beside it. “What is it babe? I mean I know what it is, but what does it mean,” he asked.

“Promise you’re not laughing,” she asked.

“Promise,” he said.

“Before It’s My Life was my song, my favorite was always Bed of Roses, and its still one of my favorites, so when I turned 18 my mom took me and we both got rose tattoos,” she said.

“So you’re saying without me, you’d be tattooless?”

“I don’t know about that, but I do know that I wouldn’t have these tattoos,” she said.

“And Emily Hope,” he asked.

“That was my mom’s name, I got that petal and her name put on right after the last show you did at the Stadium the year she died. So that one was my first and the last one I’ve gotten,” she said.

“That’s sweet,” Jon said putting her shirt back down.

“Thanks,” she said turning to look at him. “Now as I get all serious on you again, I just had a flash of brilliance. A quote from a very smart man.”

“Oh really, what did he say? Should I be jealous,” he asked.

“Well there’s this line that I know, and I think subconsciously that’s what I was thinking yesterday when I was driving down here,” she said.

“Ok, lemme hear it,” he said smiling.

“Well when I think about me and you I think ‘about all the things that I long to believe, about love and the truth and what you mean to me. And the truth is, baby you're all that I need’.”

“Sorry run that past me again, but I think I’m flattered,” he said.

“Its just that for so long I’ve wanted to believe in love and admit to myself how much you mean to me and that you’re all that I need. But see, you’re tricky cuz you add that bit about the truth in there, and for everything to work you need all those parts together,” she said.

“So what you’re telling me is I’m a creative genius,” he said smiling.

“Don’t flatter yourself just yet,” she said.

“Sorry, go on, you were saying,” he said.

“Thank you. All that rambling aside, you need to know that I have some issues,” she started.

“Issues?”

“It sounds a little drastic when you say it like that. I mean, I’ve got trust issues, and I have some issues with men. Well I guess a lot of issues with them. Which is why this whole thing with us has been so hard for me. I think that came out wrong too,” she said starting to feel herself become flustered.

“Its ok,” he said holding her hands. “Don’t worry about how it sounds, just let it go. Take your time.”

She smiled at him, “Ok lemme see if I can try this again. I don’t trust a lot of people, its just how I’ve been for a long time. And other than Tommy, I’ve never had a relationship with any man that ended well. In fact every man that’s told me he loved me ended in disaster, leaving me broken, one way or another. That’s why this is so hard for me to trust you. In my heart I want to but my head is driving me crazy. I want to trust you I really do, I’m trying my hardest here to let go.”

“You know I would never try to hurt you, right,” he asked.

“Its one of those things that I really want to believe but its just so hard for me to do. It’s one of those stupid things where I say ‘its not you, its me’,” she said softly.

“As long as part of you knows that. Will you tell me why,” he asked softly.

“Why?”

“Or what happened, I guess,” he said.

“Yeah, I’m trying to get there. Richie never told you any of this,” she asked.

“No, and that’s why he’s been at Dave’s for a couple weeks. All he said was that it was your story to tell me not his and it wouldn’t mean as much coming from him. And he only told me that this week,” Jon said.

“I still feel horrible that you kicked him out. But anyway let me see if I can get this out. I don’t remember exactly what I told you that morning on the beach so I apologize if you’ve heard all this before. My dad left when I was little, I don’t remember him at all. Just from what people tell me and old pictures. He was a drunk and he would hit my mom, so that’s relationship with a man number one. Complete disaster. I need you to look me in the eye and swear to me that you never laid a hand on Dorothea.”

“God no, we used to fight, hell we still do, but I never hit her and I never would. Even though I can’t count the number of times she’s hit me,” he said.

“I didn’t think you would, I just had to hear the words, for my own peace of mind.”

“Look at me, I wouldn’t even think about laying a hand on you. I’m not that kinda man,” he said as his eyes met hers.

She tried to smile as she collected her thoughts. “Ready for more of this,” she asked and he nodded encouragingly. “So the second relationship that I had with a man, if you could call him that, was Joe. He was my high school sweetheart. I knew him forever, I don’t even know how long, but we started dating sophomore year. I think that’s when it was. I really thought I loved him. We said the words; we did everything we thought we were supposed to do. I thought he was it. We went to NYU to be together, I was so naive I thought we would get married one day. After I think it was close to 4 years we broke up. Turned out he was cheating on me with some tramp that we went to high school with. I was absolutely devastated. It was like my entire world, as I understood it, just got flipped upside down. But you know in hindsight, what I felt for him is nothing compared to what I feel for you. I think I loved the idea of love and so desperately wanted to feel that.

“After that, I was in such a low place. I was emotional and vulnerable and I was looking for someone to fill the void that Joey left in my life. I felt like I wasn’t worth anyone wanting to be faithful to me, so I latched on to basically the first guy that I came across. That may have been the worst mistake of my life. His name was B-, Ben. I knew him through Joey they had had a couple classes together, even thought Ben was older than us, and we had hung out a couple times. After Joey and me broke up he came over to see how I was and then within a week we were dating, kinda. We did dinner, and movies, and hung out at the library together. That was the fall of my sophomore year. It was like we were always together, and we had known each other longer than we really had. I wanted myself to love him, so I convinced myself that I did. And I told him that I did, and he said anything he needed to, to keep me around. He treated me so good in the beginning. He was the perfect gentleman, he held doors for me, and paid for dinner. It was after winter break that things started to change,” she said as her voice trailed off.

She let go of his hands and walked over to the window. She looked out over the river trying to control her emotions. Jon walked behind her and put his arms around her. “What happened? You can tell me,” he whispered in her ear.

Melissa felt the tears start to flow, “Jonny, I don’t think I can.”

“Why not?”

She turned around to look at him. “Because I know what you’ll think of me, and I can’t let you see me like that.”

“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”

“I don’t know how it started really. I know I was 19; he was a couple of years older than me, at least 21. He started to drink, a lot; I know his grades started slipping because of it. It was like something inside him changed but it must’ve been there all along and I was too stupid to see it. The beginning of the semester he got an apartment with another guy, I spent a lot of time there. Every once in a while when he would drink we would start fighting and he would, he would, he.”

“Baby, did he hit you,” Jon asked in disbelief. She nodded unable to bring herself to say the words and he felt his temper start to boil at the thought.

“At first I convinced myself that it was my fault. I said something or did something I shouldn’t have, I was bound to get slapped across the face. He loved me right, so I deserved it? It got worse over time; me and Angela even started fighting over it. He even put me in the hospital once. I don’t even remember what story I told but they bought it, I never thought to press charges. I was so stupid. I should’ve left when I had the chance.”

“What made you decide to finally leave,” he asked softly.

“It was the spring, school was almost out. We never had sex, I don’t know why but it never went that far. I think it was a psychological relationship that we had. I was overly dependent on him and he was manipulative and controlling. One night we were in the library late studying, or I was studying and he was copying someone’s paper. We got into a fight I was taking too long to finish and I was sharing my notes with some guy in my class. When we got back to the apartment he was different, it was like he was calm. He got a bottle of something, Vodka I think, and he started drinking. He sat me on the couch next to him and he told me he was sorry for everything. Like he always did. It was like something inside of him snapped, he kissed me. I remember he was gentle when he laid me back on the couch. But he wouldn’t stop, no matter what I did. I tried to fight, I swear I did, but he was so much bigger than me and he had broken me down mentally for so long.”

She stopped to wipe away her tears and when she continued her voice was just above a whisper. “He raped me, he destroyed me. That was the wake up call that I needed, to get out. I went back to Angela, I can only imagine what kind of shape I was in. She took care of me; I couldn’t leave the dorm for a couple of days.”

“Did you ever go to the police,” he asked softly.

“It never even crossed my mind. I never told a soul besides Tommy and Angela until now. I felt like it was all my fault, and I was embarrassed and scared. I just wanted it to be over, to forget. Pretend it never happened maybe. I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. I had nightmares, and flashbacks, and I couldn’t let myself be around men alone. I went through phases where I could sleep and then I couldn’t get out of bed. I was hypersensitive to touch and I couldn’t be in crowds or tight spaces. You don’t want to know about all that, but it got really bad before it got better. It took almost a year before I could function normally again. That’s when It’s My Life happened. It was kinda telling me to take control back in my life again.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Did you tell Richie all this?”

“I did. I wanted to tell you, I planned to tell you in Philly, but I was scared because I didn’t know what we were. I was pouring everything on him and I was probably a little drunk and it all came out,” she said.

“That makes sense now,” he said.

“What does?”

“He told me not to tell you that I loved you. He told me to wait and keep things going slow,” he answered.

“He’s been such a good friend to me. I never thought I could have a man be a friend to me like he’s been,” she said wiping her tears away.

Jon looked at the broken woman in front of him, just as beautiful as she’d always been. But he felt more drawn to her, more connected somehow. “Can I,” he asked opening his arms to hug her.

“You don’t have to ask me that Jon, don’t treat me any differently,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” he said pulling her into a hug. “I am so sorry for everything that’s happened to you, but that’s not me. I would never hurt you like that.”

She pulled back from him a little to look at him, unable to put her thoughts into words. “Are you ok, do you wanna sit back down,” he asked her.

“Ok,” she said and followed him back to the couch.

“Can I ask what you thought I would think,” Jon asked.

“That I was weak, and stupid. For staying, for not having enough respect for myself to leave. For putting myself in that situation at all. That I’m broken and a mess, and that I can’t give you what you need. I can’t be what you need. I can’t hide that anymore,” she said looking into his eyes.

“That isn’t what I think of you at all. I see a resilient woman that has been through a living hell, but she’s grown from it. You wouldn’t be the woman that I love if anything was different. What you’ve been through makes you who you are,” he said trying to make her understand.

“But now you know, and I can’t be what you need,” she said quietly.

“Baby is that what this is all about? Sex? That’s not why I’m with you just for sex. I want to be with you, cuddle with you on the couch, and hold you hand when we’re out together. The rest will come in time. If I knew I never would’ve come onto you like that the night I took you home from the hospital,” he said trying to reassure her.

“But that’s just it Jon. You want sex and I can’t give that to you. You deserve a woman who can give you that, a complete woman.”

“No what I want is you, regardless of whether or not we’re having sex. God, Melissa, half of the connection of good sex is on an emotional level, being intimate with one another. I’ll tell you just sleeping in the same bed last night was the closest I’ve felt to a woman in I don’t even know how long. I need you to trust me on this,” he said.

“I’m terrified Jon, I really am,” she said.

“Talk to me. Are you afraid of me?”

“No.”

“Do you think that I would ever hurt you physically?”

“No.”

“Have I ever given the impression that I don’t take your needs and feelings into account?”

“No.”

“Have you ever felt that I forced you to do something you weren’t comfortable with?”

“Of course not.”

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Do you believe that I love you?”

“Yes.”

“Then will you please, let me love you?”

“Yes.”

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Chapter 47

Melissa wasn’t quite sure how she got there or how long it took, but she found herself driving down Jon’s road. Her vision was significantly blurred from crying and she tried to read the numbers on the gates to ensure that she didn’t miss his house, no easy feat in the dark. She made out 734 as the road curved and then saw the familiar gates of his house. Relieved to see they were open, she pulled down in front of the front doors, oblivious to the other cars in the driveway. She tried to wipe the tears away and compose herself a little before exiting the car and ringing the doorbell. She must’ve rang it four times before Steph opened the door.

“I need your dad, please tell me he’s home,” Melissa said.

“Melissa are you ok? Do you want to come in,” Steph asked.

“I just need to talk to your dad,” Melissa said.

“He’s not here right now-“

“Damn it,” Melissa said. I just broke how many laws getting down here and he’s not even here.

“I mean he’s not in the house. I haven’t seen him since he picked me up from school a couple hours ago, they didn’t even come back for dinner. I think they went back up to the studio, if not they may be over at the Shoe Inn, all of their cars are still here,” Steph said pointing up the driveway to first the studio then the other way to the pub.

“Thanks,” Melissa said running for the studio.

Melissa ran up the seemingly eternal driveway and entered the studio. The main level was empty but she could hear voices from upstairs and took them two at a time. She stood in the doorway a minute just looking at Jon. Her Jon, she hoped. Jon turned expecting to see Steph or Amalia bringing them out food and was shocked to see Melissa standing there.

“Melissa,” he asked in shock.

She didn’t move from the doorway unaware of the other two men in the studio with him. Richie watched concerned for the distressed woman and also curious to see how Jon would react. If there was one thing he hated it was being disturbed while in the studio, but this was different, right? This was the woman that he had been wallowing over for weeks.

As fresh tears ran down her face, she spoke. “Please tell me that I’m not too late. Tell me that I didn’t blow everything to hell. Because I’ve had a day from hell and all I could think of was how much I wanted to just be with my boyfriend. How I needed to be with him, with you. Because I need you, but I was afraid to admit it. I was stupid to push you away when what I should’ve done is be honest with you and tell you that I was falling in love with you too. Because I love you, and right now I need you.”

Jon stared at her not knowing what to say. She loves me? Did she really say that? “Oh my god, I’m too late aren’t I,” she said in disbelief.

“No, you’re not too late,” Jon said walking over to her pulling her into a strong hug. He could feel her body tremble as his shirt become wet with her sobs. “Its gonna be ok, shh,” he said stroking her hair trying to comfort her.

After a minute she pulled back from him, and became aware of her surroundings seeing the other men in the studio. “I’m sorry,” she started.

“You really have to stop saying that,” Jon said.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt you while you were working,” she said quietly.

“No trouble at all darlin’. I think we were just leaving anyway, right,” Richie said.

“Yup, just leaving,” the other man said as he gathered his belongings and headed for the door. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow Jon.”

“Thanks,” Jon said as the man left the studio.

“Why don’t you go turn the boards off,” Richie said to Jon. When he didn’t move Richie prodded a little more. “Last think we need is dead equipment when we come back because it was left on.”

“Fine,” Jon said. “I’ll be right back,” he told Melissa as he reluctantly left her to turn off the machines.

“I didn’t tell him anything, though I was getting pretty damn close to,” Richie told Melissa. “He’s been absolutely miserable without you, I haven’t seen him this bad in a long while. He put on a good face though; I’m the only one that knows. He’s been lying to everyone else.”

“Thank you,” Melissa said realizing the sacrifice that he had made staying true to his word.

“You have to tell him though if your serious, or I will. It’s not fair to him, to either one of you really. He’s a good guy, you just have to trust him,” Richie said firmly.

“I know,” she said quietly as Jon walked back over to them.

“Now can we go,” Jon asked Richie.

“She’s all yours,” Richie said to Jon. “I’ll call Angela and tell her where you are. Five bucks says she’s a nervous wreck and is picturing you in a ditch somewhere.”

Once they were alone Jon sat her down on one of the couches and took her hands. “Melissa are you ok?”

“I am now,” she said looking into the familiar eyes that she missed.

“I missed you so much,” he said.

“I missed you too, I really did,” she said quietly.

“Baby what happened today,” he asked.

“Lindsay died, and I know it’s something that I’ve dealt with so many times before. But she was different, I thought she was gonna make it. And all I could think of when Angela told me was you. I don’t know if its because of how great you were with her, or just that you are the person that I need to be with, or it took this to be a wake up call not to let the people in my life slip away,” she said letting her voice trail off.

“I’m so sorry,” he said squeezing her hand. “I know you were close.”

“Thanks, I know she was quite fond of you too,” Melissa said trying to control her tears.

Jon gave her a sympathetic smile as he wiped the tears from her face not really knowing what to feel. She can’t really be gone, I just saw her yesterday. She had her whole life ahead of her. But Melissa, she’s here and she needs me. She’s letting herself need me. That’s what I need to be right now, I’ve gotta be a rock for her to lean on. “Can I ask you something,” he asked.

“Of course.”

“Did you mean what you said,” he asked.

“What part of it,” she asked.

“The part where you said you loved me,” he said.

She nodded. “I did. I mean I do. I love you,” she said staring into his eyes.

He smiled, “Say it again.”

“I love you,” she said a little more securely.

Jon searched her eyes and took her face in his hands and kissed her. The way he dreamed of kissing her for almost a month. The contours of her mouth came flooding back to him, the taste of her lips, the softness of her hair, everything. When they pulled away, they stared into each other’s eyes for a minute, neither knowing what exactly to say or do next.

Melissa was first to break the silence. “I know I have a lot I need to tell you, and I have a hell of a lot of apologizing to do, but can it wait one more day. I just can’t do it tonight, not with everything that happened.”

She did owe him an explanation, something, but right now he knew it was best not to push his luck; she came back, for now that’s all that matters. “Under one condition, stay here tonight with me. Steph is going over a friend’s house so we’ll have the place to ourselves. Stay tonight and tomorrow we can figure out what happened, and what went wrong.”

“I’d like that very much,” she said.

“Ok, but for now lets get back up to the house,” Jon said leading her down the stairs.

She walked back to the house in a kind of numb state. She felt him pull her close to him, but she was too emotionally exhausted to be able to process much else. Why was I so stupid to wait so long to come back to him? I could’ve lost him, she scolded herself. She was brought back to reality when she felt Jon leading her onto a barstool in the kitchen.

“I bet you haven’t eaten anything in a while, can I get you something,” he asked her.

“No, I’m not really hungry,” Melissa said.

“Hey, Dad, did you find Melissa she went up to look for yo-“ Steph said as she entered the kitchen with an overnight bag in her hand.

“I found him, thanks Steph,” Melissa said turning to look at her.

“Sorry, I should probably look before I open my mouth. Is everything ok,” Steph asked her.

Melissa looked at her trying to form a coherent answer that didn’t have the word ‘no’ in it. “She just had a long day at work. One of her patient’s died, one that was very special to both of us,” Jon answered for her.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Melissa,” she said.

“Thank you,” Melissa said trying to muster a smile.

“What’s up Steph,” Jon asked.

“I just wanted to let you know that Michelle’s mom will be here any minute, so I’m leaving. I’ll have her drop me off sometime tomorrow, we may be going to the mall or catching up with some friend’s at the movies,” Steph answered.

“What kind of friends at the movies,” Jon asked.

“Oh just Tiffany, and Catherine, and Mary, and Nichole, and maybe some other kids” Steph said quickly.

“You should tell him about the boys you’re meeting up with too, he’s gonna find out eventually, and it’ll only get you in trouble,” Melissa said quietly.

Jon’s eyes nearly doubled in size, “Boys?”

“Well I was gonna tell you, umm, only if they were going for sure. Just a couple of guys that are on the basketball team, depending on how the game goes,” Steph said.

“Ok, fine. I just need to know who you’re with,” Jon said.

“I will Dad, thanks. I’ll text you tomorrow. I’m glad you came back Melissa, it was nice having you around,” Steph said.

“What are you talking about Steph,” Jon asked.

“Well, I know you didn’t say anything but I knew something was up. I’m not a little kid; I can pick up on these things. Besides I knew it was something big because I’ve never heard you yell at Uncle Richie like that or kick him out,” Steph said.

“You kicked Richie out,” Melissa asked.

“You knew we were having problems,” Jon asked nearly simultaneously.

“You’ve been quite a grouch for a couple weeks, and a little jumpy. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together,” Steph said looking at her phone. “Oh that’s Michelle, I’ve gotta go. I love you, Dad,” she said giving Jon a hug and kiss goodbye.

“I love you too, Steph. Let me know what you’re doing tomorrow,” Jon said as she left the kitchen.

“You didn’t answer my question, you kicked Richie out,” Melissa said.

“We kinda got into a fight,” Jon said looking a little ashamed.

“I don’t wanna know now, can we just go to bed,” Melissa asked.

“Absolutely,” he said helping her off of her stool and leading her to the stairs. “How did you know there were boys at the movies? Did she tell you something?”

“She didn’t have to, I was a 15 year old girl once. I know these things,” Melissa said.

“Looks like I’ve still got a thing or two to learn, huh,” Jon asked.

“It was an easy miss, you’re doing great. She loves you, that’s what counts right,” Melissa asked as they reached his bedroom. She lingered in the doorway a couple of seconds before she entered remembering the last time she was there and what almost happened.

“Yeah, that’s what counts,” Jon said leading her in.

“Do you mind if I take a quick shower,” Melissa asked.

“Not at all, my house is your house,” he said.

“Thank you,” she said leaning in to kiss him. God this feels so right, why was I stupid enough to leave?

When he pulled away, he looked into the eyes that he missed for so long. “Let me get you a clean towel,” he said walking to the bathroom. He searched through the closet and came out with a fluffy green towel. “Will this do?”

“Looks perfect,” she said.

“Lemme know if you need anything else,” he said shutting the door behind him.

It took her a minute to figure out the shower and the room quickly filled with steam. Donning a towel she walked to the door and opened it slowly to see Jon watching Sports Center.

“Do you mind if I leave the door open a little so I don’t suffocate from the steam,” she asked.

“Whatever you want, there’s also an exhaust fan. The switch is by the door,” he said.

She left the door open a crack, a symbol for the step she was taking in the right direction. She wasn’t going to shut him out of her life any longer; she’d keep the door open and let it open more as her trust built. She welcomed the hot water when she stepped into the shower. It was soothing and a great source of her emotional release. Once she had taken care of her necessary grooming needs, she let her emotions flow. She wound up on the floor of the shower crying allowing the water to pour over her.

Her thoughts flooded of Lindsay and how short life was, not that she hadn’t had that reminder so many times before. She thought of how lucky she was to have found Jon. To find someone who loved her and was proving that everyday. He loved her so much he waited for her when she ran away, again.

Once she was convinced she had no more tears left to cry she turned the water off and got out of the shower. She dried herself a little before she fastened her towel around her chest and put another towel around her hair. Once she was sufficiently dry she went back into the bedroom where Jon was still watching tv in his pajamas.

“You got somethin’ for me to wear,” she asked.

“Help yourself to whatever you want, even though I think I’m missing a pair of pants and a tee shirt,” he said teasing.

“Are you talking about me? I gave those to Richie a couple of weeks ago because I assumed that he was staying here,” she said quietly.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said gently, “Now I know who to hound for them.”

“Do you really own these, or are my eyes playing tricks on me,” she asked taking a pair of Slippery When Wet pajama bottoms from the drawer.

“When there’s a lot of something they send them to us,” Jon said.

“You never stop surprising me,” she said taking a shirt from the drawer.

“I’ve gotta keep you on your toes,” Jon said as she took the clothes back in the bathroom.

She changed into his clothes and gave her hair a thorough towel drying before leaving the bathroom. She stood in front of him at the end of the bed. “Do you mind if I just call it a night, I’m so exhausted?”

“An early night sounds good to me,” Jon said getting off the end of the bed and pulling down the comforter.

“If you wanted to watch something don’t let me stop you,” she said getting into bed.

“Nope, it’s been a long time since I was in bed before 10:30, and I intend on getting a good night’s sleep,” he said getting in the bed next to her.

She laid down and looked at the man next to her almost at a loss for words. “Thank you,” she said quietly.

“For what?”

“For not giving up on me, on us,” she answered.

“No chance of that happening,” he said giving her a kiss goodnight. “Night, baby.”

“Night,” she said rolling over to go to sleep.

Instinctively he moved closer to her, putting his arm around her and across her stomach. He waited a minute to see what she would do, and was relieved when she squeezed his hand back before falling asleep. This is why I waited, for this right here, he thought before he too fell asleep.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Chapter 46

Jon called Melissa at least a dozen times the rest of the afternoon to either no answer or an angry Angela. The last time he spoke to Angela she told him to stop calling and give them a little bit of space. After that she stopped answering his calls too. All he wanted to do was make sure she was all right, why was that such a difficult request? With no one to talk to, he replayed the morning over and over in his head. What the hell did I do to make her leave? Was it that I told her I loved her? Why won’t she let me love her? Why doesn’t she trust me? He was grateful that Steph came home late and headed straight to bed, the last thing he needed was to pretend that everything was ok when it wasn’t.

Melissa spent the rest of the afternoon at Angela’s, where she spent most of the time crying. It would be an understatement saying that things were moving too quick for her liking. Hell she never thought things would be moving at all, so any sort of speed was out of her comfort zone. The afternoon was a blur of pain, both physical and emotional, for her. She consistently ignored his calls and his texts, slept on and off, and let her mind run through everything that they had done. What they had done together, how she missed him when they were apart. Part of her wanted to go to him; he had a way of making her feel better. The other part was too scared to face him again. She fell asleep that night not knowing what the future held for them or for her.

Jon didn’t let up his pursuit on Monday, calling another dozen times to no response. It was taking all of his will power not to get in his car and drive to see her. To make her make him understand what was going on. Wednesday, I can wait till then to see her, he thought. Angela eventually returned his call to let her know that she was feeling a little better, but wouldn’t tell him how she was really doing. It was almost worse than knowing nothing.

Melissa took a sick day on Monday, citing her injury as her reason rather than admitting to her heartbreak. She stayed at Angela’s and Tommy stayed home with her when Angela went to work. Melissa didn’t have much to say; she didn’t know what to say. What was there to say anyway? She couldn’t face him; she would only hurt him in the end or the other way around. She had nothing to offer him, and he couldn’t love her.

Tuesday had followed a similar routine. Jon continued to flood Melissa with calls and texts and she continued to ignore them. She went home that morning much to her cats’ relief but opted to allow herself another day to wallow. Her boss had told her to take as much time as she needed, but she knew getting back to work, to some sort of a routine, would help her. I’ll go back tomorrow, she told herself. That afternoon Richie called her and though she was hesitant to answer, she did. He did her a huge favor and she trusted him not to play with her mind and let Jon use his phone or so she hoped.

“Richie, this better be you,” she answered.

“It is, don’t worry. I wanted to see how you were,” he said.

“I’m fine enough,” she answered.

“I don’t really believe that, which is why I’m on my way to see you. If you don’t want me there just tell me, but as a friend I’m worried about you. I promise there’s no middle man work here,” he said.

“That actually sounds good. Where are you,” she asked.

“The parking lot. I didn’t think you’d answer the buzzer,” Richie said.

“You guessed right, lemme buzz you in,” she said walking to the door.

Richie came right up and was relieved to see that she look better, physically anyway. “Hey, darlin’, how are you doin’? For real,” he said pulling her into a hug.

She melted into him and a fresh stream of tears started. “I’m a mess, Rich. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, or what to do next,” she said between sobs.

“Shh, come on, let’s sit down,” he said shutting the door behind him and leading her over to the couch. “Have you talked to him?”

She shook her head no, “I can’t, I wouldn’t know what to say.”

“You could start with the truth,” he offered.

“I can’t, I don’t think I can be with him. He can’t love me,” she said through her tears.

“You should let him be the judge of that. Don’t you trust him,” he asked and she nodded. “Then why can’t you trust that he loves you?”

“Because he needs some one who can give him more than what I can give him. I was selfish to get involved with him to begin with. I never thought he would love me, I can’t let him.”

“He’s not like everyone else, Mel, he’s not gonna hurt you,” Richie said.

“You can’t promise me that,” she said looking deep into his eyes.

“But don’t you love him? I could see it the way you two were together,” he asked.

“It doesn’t matter if I do or not. I have to let him go,” she said wiping away what she hoped was the last of her tears.

“It does matter if you love each other. What you’re doing is stupid, and you’re gonna thank me later. You have to go to him and tell him how you feel,” Richie said.

“I can’t do it,” she said feeling a fresh wave of emotion flooding over her.

Richie pulled her close to his chest to comfort her. “What does this mean, Melissa? Are you quitting on the two of you? Are you over and done?”

“I don’t know,” she said letting the fresh batch of tears stream down her face. “I’m not really sure of anything.”

Richie stayed with her a few hours and let her cry. She dozed on and off as her phone rang a couple times. It was Jon, again, and he let it go to voicemail. What part of give her space didn’t he get, he thought as he ignored the call. Jon still hadn’t called him or reached out at all to see where he had ended up. He had taken Jon’s suggestion, if you will, and stayed at Dave’s a couple of days hoping Jon would come to his senses. He told Dave that he and Jon were having “creative differences” and the tension was getting to him. The truth was Jon’s to tell not him, and Dave had been in the studio with Jon. It wasn’t a far stretch that Richie would need an out. Angela eventually came to check on Melissa after work relieving Richie of his impromptu ‘shift’.

Wednesday morning Melissa dressed, thankful for Casual Wednesdays. She threw on a pair of old jeans that were probably more comfortable than most of her sweatpants and opted for a Pink University tee shirt, anything that didn’t remind her of Jon, before donning her sling. Angela came by around 8:30 to drive her to work and they kept the conversation to a minimal. Melissa still wasn’t up to talking, and Angela knew her well enough not to push.

When they arrived, Melissa headed straight to her office and lost herself in paperwork. When she got up for a coffee break around 11 she told Gina that Jon wouldn’t be coming in today and to see if she could make some arrangements to fill the void. Gina didn’t ask any questions but Melissa was sure she had a laundry list ready in her head. Melissa continued with the monotony that was invoices and records until her phone rang a little after noon. When she checked the number she saw it was Gina and answered it.

“Hey, Gina,” she said.

“I don’t know what Jon told you, but he just got here and he’s looking mighty fine if you don’t mind me saying so,” Gina said happily.

“What do you mean he’s here,” Melissa asked.

“He just came up the elevators and headed off towards the nurses station, like he does every week. I thought you’d like to know he was here,” Gina said.

“Tell him I’m in a closed door meeting and you can’t get in touch with me, if he asks. I’ll be in meetings the whole afternoon. Do me a favor and call me on my cell when he leaves. And Gina call me back as soon as he goes into one of the patient rooms, please,” Melissa said.

“Melissa, is everything ok,” Gina asked.

“Fine, just please could you do that for me,” Melissa asked.

“Of course,” Gina said.

“Thanks,” Melissa said before hanging up.

What is he doing here? I mean its great for the kids, and it’s great of him not to abandon them, but why? Is he here to see me? What am I gonna say to him? Her thoughts were interrupted when her office phone rang again.

“Melissa, he just went down the west corridor,” Gina said.

“Thanks,” Melissa said gathering a couple of things and headed out of her office. On her way to the stairs she passed by Gina’s office. “Remember, I’m in closed door meetings. Tell Angela she can call me on my cell if she needs me.”

With a confused nod from her assistant, Melissa navigated her way through the corridors and down a few flights of stairs before she found herself in the ER. She had promised she’s come back to see everyone and now seemed like just a good time as any right? Though she did spend a couple days a week consulting in other departments, she was rarely needed in the ER, but evidentially she was missed from the time she spent there.

Alex was happy to see her, and even insisted on checking her out again. Melissa agreed because this had to be better than the alternative. She checked out fine and was told she was “healing nicely.” She stayed a couple of hours, going from one room to another in the pediatric ER, before she got a phone call giving her the all clear. She went back up to her office and reimmersed herself in her paperwork before Angela came to get her around 5:45 to take her home.

Jon woke Wednesday morning excited that it was finally Wednesday; he could finally see her. Talk to her, touch her. When he got to the hospital he headed for the nurses station and then the patient rooms like he always did, hoping to see her out and about. He didn’t find her and he noticed that Angela was avoiding him even giving him the cold shoulder when he tried to talk to her. He went down to her office before he left and her assistant told him that she was in closed-door meetings all afternoon and she couldn’t be bothered. She also informed him that all volunteers need to give 48 hours notice prior to their arrival to ensure that they are not overbooked. Perfect another way that she can keep tabs on me to avoid me. If I could just talk to her, he thought.

He left the duffle with all of the stuff that she left at his house with Gina before he left. He considered hanging out in the lobby until she left, but thought that that may be a little bit of overkill. Dejected he headed back home to his empty house. He picked Steph up from Dot’s like he always did and gave vague answers to her questions about his dinner. They weren’t over, so there was no need to tell her anything. It was just a misunderstanding; maybe a little space couldn’t hurt.

Jon abided by her wishes and gave notice as to when he would be coming to the hospital and she in return made sure that that was the day she worked from home. She had not returned any of his calls and after two weeks he stopped calling her. Neither knew what it meant, were they officially broken up?

Jon had called Richie after a week or so to get some work done. The atmosphere in the studio was noticeably tense but everyone involved knew it was better not to ask. Richie hadn’t brought Melissa up, keeping a strictly professional demeanor. It was starting to eat at Jon, not being able to vent to his friends and family, but then he would have to admit that he was wrong and that there wasn’t any more Jon and Melissa. He couldn’t bring himself to do that, not yet.

Jon still held out hope, he didn’t want to admit that they were done. He put on a nice act for everyone around him. Some people he told that they were both busy that’s why he hadn’t seen her, others he just lied to and he made up a date that they allegedly went on. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Steph that things may be over with Melissa, not after he had brought her into their lives. He felt he owed it to his daughter if no one else to give it one more fighting chance, he just didn’t know what to do with that chance. How he was planning to win her back. It had been almost three weeks since they had spoken to each other, did that qualify as being over?

***

The leaves had started to change and it was the week before Halloween when Richie packed up his guitars a little slower than usual after a recording session hoping the rest of the guys would leave him and Jon to talk.

When they had all left Richie turned to Jon, “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“If you have to,” was Jon’s cold response.

“I’m worried about you, I haven’t seen you this messed up in a long time. I know you haven’t talked to her since that morning, maybe you should start thinking about moving forward, one way or another,” Richie said gently.

“How do you know I haven’t talked to her,” Jon asked sharply.

“I do have friends on the other side of this mess. You weren’t talking to me but they were. I know this hasn’t been easy, but I think maybe you should start getting over this thing or go talk to her and make her listen,” Richie said.

Jon’s eyes were cold and harsh as he listened. “You’re taking their word for things. Doesn’t it matter what I think or how I feel?”

“I tried to get you through this and you kicked me out, remember?”

“That’s because you’re keeping something from me, that I’m sure is the key to what’s going on,” Jon said.

“That’s not what this is about right now. I’m worried about you, you haven’t even told anyone else that you’re not speaking to each other have you,” Richie asked.

“No,” Jon answered quietly.

“Look, you can’t hide what’s going on forever. You’ve gotta make a decision and then be honest with the people in your life. We’ve all go your back,” Richie said.

“You just wont tell me the fucking truth,” Jon snarled.

“I’m trying to help you here, and you’re not helping anything by talking in circles. Look we all have our pasts, and some of us are fortunate to have lived and learned from them. Other people aren’t so fortunate. She needs to tell you what happened and why she did what she did, not me. I could tell you but that’s something that you need to work through together. I understand that you’re pissed but trust me please.” Richie said.

“I’ll see you Friday. John Shanks said he’d be here around two to do some guitar work with us,” Jon said standing.

“I’ll see you then,” Richie said taking the not so subtle hint and headed for his truck.

***

That Friday came just as lonely and miserable as the last 26 days had been for Melissa. The next week brought Halloween, and the hospital always made sure to throw a big party for all of the pediatric patients. That had been something to distract herself but Jon was never too far from her mind. She spent the day in meetings with venders, running errands and making phone calls from home. Everything was coming together nicely, and she was sure it was going to outdo the previous three parties she had overseen. She had a car full of candy and other goodies for the party and even though it was almost 7 o’clock she decided to drop them off in her office while she was in the neighborhood.

She first checked her reliable planner and saw that Jon had been by yesterday so she would be in the clear. It wasn’t so much not knowing what to say to him, but the embarrassment that she had developed over time, and the thought and fear that he had already moved on to someone else. This was Jon Bon Jovi; he could have any woman he wanted, what would make him hold out his long for her.

When she arrived she grabbed as much as she could and made her way clumsily to the fourth floor. She shouted a quick hello to Gina as she passed and barely made it to her office before things started falling from her arms. She looked around and saw hundreds of Halloween decorations, stickers, and candies. You name it, it was probably there. This party is gonna be the best one so far. For sure, she thought and turned when she heard a knock on her open door. She turned and was surprised to see Gina standing there.

“Come on in, you know you don’t have to knock if its open,” Melissa said smiling at the decorations around her.

“Hey, Melissa. Are you gonna be in here for a couple minutes,” Gina asked.

“I can be, why,” Melissa asked.

“Because I know Angela needed to talk to you,” Gina answered.

Melissa checked her cell and saw no missed calls. “She didn’t call me is everything ok?”

“Just stay here for a minute and let me get her,” Gina asked.

“Fine I’ll be here,” Melissa answered as she began separating bags candy and labeling them for different floors.

“Melissa,” a voice asked from behind.

“Hey, Ang, come on in I was just trying to organize,” Melissa said smiling.

“Mel, why don’t you sit down a minute,” Angela said sitting in one of the chairs.

Melissa sat next to her. “What’s wrong, why do you look so serious?”

“I was gonna tell you when I got home tonight, but since you’re here I think you should hear it from me,” Angela said, her tone somber.

“Ang, you’re starting to scare me, what’s going on,” Melissa said.

“It’s Lindsay,” Angela said softly.

“What happened? Did she have another set back? I know she’s had a rough couple of weeks,” Melissa asked.

“Sweetie, she died last night,” Angela said.

“What? What happened? She was so young,” Melissa asked in disbelief.

“They’re not quite sure, they’re doing an autopsy to find out. I’m so sorry, I know you had a special place for her,” Angela said.

“Why didn’t you call me,” Melissa asked.

“That’s not something you tell someone over the phone, and you weren’t supposed to be in today,” Angela said.

“What about the other kids,” Melissa asked.

“Some people from psych were down to talk with them,” Angela answered.

“It should’ve been me, someone they know,” Melissa said.

“You were too close to her to be doing that stuff. You know that Mel,” Angela said.

“Her family, how are they,” Melissa asked.

“They’re in shock. They went home around noon to tell the sister,” Angela said.

“I should call them tomorrow, see if there’s anything I can do. How did it happen,” Melissa asked as she felt a tear run down her cheek.

“You don’t want to know this stuff, Melis, its not gonna help anyone,” Angela said softly. Melissa stood from where she was sitting and grabbed her purse from the desk. “Where are you going?”

“To do something I should’ve done weeks ago,” Melissa said before leaving the office.

She moved robotically through the halls and back to her car. She sat there a minute composing herself enough to drive before she pulled out of the parking lot. She merged onto the highway without fully realizing what she was doing and headed south. There was only one place she wanted to be right now, only one person she wanted to be with.